Jokes Thread!

baadmw · Post by **baadmw** » 27 May 2005, 15:43

boganbusman wrote:OK . . . time for a FUNNY joke (please note the emphasis on the word 'funny'):

A police officer pulls over a speeding car and tells the driver: "I clocked you at 80km/h, sir."
The driver says: "Gee officer, I had it on cruise control at 60. Perhaps your radar gun....bla bla bla

LOL that was funny

Post by **Morty** » 28 May 2005, 00:39

Andre_online wrote:Newspaper says smoking is bad. I quit smoking.
Newspaper says fast food is bad. I quit eating fast food.
Newspaper says sex is bad, I quit reading

Did you get the joke?

Yeah, smoking and fast food isn't really that great, but you just don't quit having sex...

boganbusman wrote:OK . . . time for a FUNNY joke (please note the emphasis on the word 'funny'):

A police officer pulls over a speeding car (and so on)

I've heard a different version of this one:

A car is pulled over by a police officer, and he says to the driver: Congratulations, you're driver no. 100 who wears his seatbelt today, and you win $1000. What will you spend the money on?
The driver responds: A new driver's license, sir.
His wife then responds from the passenger seat: Don't listen to him, officer, he always says a lot of crap when he's drunk.
A mate then wakes up in the backseat, sees the officer, and says: Damn, I knew we'd get caught in a stolen car.....
And just when the officer thinks he's heard it all, a voice from the trunk says: Did we pass the border yet??

^Speed 12^ · Post by **^Speed 12^** » 28 May 2005, 07:14

Lol that was funny

nfsdriver · Post by **nfsdriver** » 28 May 2005, 16:12

mohsan1988 · Post by **mohsan1988** » 28 May 2005, 16:34

lol @ morty. you really have got some good jokes

MM86 · Post by **MM86** » 28 May 2005, 20:13

ok heres a few blonde jokes for you guys

1
Q: How do you kill a blonde?
A: Put a scratch and sniff sticker on the bottom of a pool.

2
Q: What do you get when you stand 100 blondes ear to ear?
A: A wind tunnel

3
Q: Why do blondes have more fun?
A: They are easier to amuse.

4
Q: Why did the blonde try to steal a police car?
A: She saw "911" on the back and thought it was a porche.

5
A blonde had just totaled her car in a horrific accident.
Miraculously, she managed to pry herself from the wreckage
without a scratch and was applying fresh lipstick when the
state trooper arrived.
"My goodness!" the trooper exclaimed "Your car looks like an
accordion that was stomped on by an elephant. Are you OK ma'am?"
"Yes, officer, I'm just fine" the blonde chirped.
"Well, how in the world did this happen?" the officer asked as
he surveyed the wrecked car.
"Officer, it was the strangest thing!" the blonde began. "I was
driving along this road when from out of nowhere this TREE pops
up in front of me. So I swerved to the right, and there was
another tree! I swerved to the left and there was ANOTHER tree!
I swerved to the right and there was another tree! I swerved to
the left and there was...."
"Uh, ma'am," the officer said, cutting her off, "There isn't a
tree on this road for 30 miles. That was your air freshener
swinging back and forth."

and finally
6
One day this blonde walked into a store and said
"I`d like to buy that TV."
The salesman said "Sorry, we don't sell to blondes."
The blonde went home and dyed her hair red. She went back to
the store and said "I`d like to buy that TV."
"Sorry we don't sell to blondes." The man replied again.
She went and dyed her hair black, then returned to the store
and said "I`d like to buy that TV."
Again the man said "Sorry we don't sell to blondes."
The blonde finally asks "How did you know I was a blonde?"
The man said "Because that`s not a TV its a microwave."

ENJOY

R34GTR · Post by **R34GTR** » 28 May 2005, 20:20

I have one:
Q. How can u tell when a blonde has been on a computer?
A. Theres tipex all over the screen.

Twinturbo · Post by **Twinturbo** » 28 May 2005, 20:24

R34GTR wrote: I have one:
Q. How can u tell when a blonde has been on a computer?
A. Theres tipex all over the screen.

That's an old joke

Triskac · Post by **Triskac** » 28 May 2005, 20:31

Newspaper says smoking is bad. I quit smoking.
Newspaper says fast food is bad. I quit eating fast food.
Newspaper says sex is bad, I quit reading

This is a well known quote of Winston Churchil, but it was a bit different, because he quit reading after reading that smoking is bad

bashderq · Post by **bashderq** » 29 May 2005, 03:00

MM86 wrote:Q: What do you get when you stand 100 blondes ear to ear?
A: A wind tunnel

i luv that 1

paras779 · Post by **paras779** » 29 May 2005, 09:05

here's one

"A gud friend is like a gud bra... hard 2 find- comfortable- supportive- prevents u from falling- holds u tight- and is always close 2 ur heart!"

MM86 · Post by **MM86** » 29 May 2005, 09:20

hey bashderq you might like these too...

Q: why do blondes where ponytails?
A: to hide the vent in the back of their head.

Q: What do you call a dead blonde in a closet?
A: Last years hide and seek winner.

Q.why did the blonde die drinking milk?
A.Because the cow fell over.

Q. what do a blonde and a hardware store have in common?
A. they are both 10 cents a screw!
(^no offence to any one^)

A blonde with two red ears went to her doctor. The doctor asked her what had had happened to her ears?
"I was ironing a shirt and the phone rang - but instead of picking up the phone I accidentally picked up the iron and stuck it to my ear."
"Oh Dear!" the doctor exclaimed in disbelief. "But .. what happened to your other ear?"
"The son-of-a-booboo called back."

The latest plot to drive the Taliban and Al Queda out of the
mountains of Afghanistan is to send in a team of Louisiana
Special Forces.

Billy Bob, Bubba, Boo, Scooter, and Cooter are being sent
in with the following information:

1. The limit is two.
2. The season ended last weekend.
3. They taste just like chicken.
4. They don't like beer, pickup trucks, or country music
5. Some are queer.

That should just about do it. Don't you think?

boganbusman · Post by **boganbusman** » 29 May 2005, 10:57

Hehe some of those blonde ones were pretty good.

Once upon a time, a guy asked a girl:

"Will you marry me?"

She said: "No."

And the guy lived happily ever after.

bashderq · Post by **bashderq** » 29 May 2005, 11:18

@ MM86 -

yeah those are some of the best blonde jokes i've heard in a long time

^Speed 12^ · Post by **^Speed 12^** » 29 May 2005, 12:27

The police car one is good.

MM86 · Post by **MM86** » 29 May 2005, 18:00

@ bashderq - yeah some of those are pretty good! i likr the one about the cow and the hide and seek champion. ill have a few more up later.

bashderq · Post by **bashderq** » 30 May 2005, 08:31

hehehe u make this a hobby of u'rs?..collectin blonde jokes?

MM86 · Post by **MM86** » 30 May 2005, 21:50

not really

but i do like to get a little laugh every now and then. BTW heres another 1

Q: why was the blonde on the roof of the bar?

A: the bartender yelled "Drinks are on the house!"

^Speed 12^ · Post by **^Speed 12^** » 31 May 2005, 10:00

Stereo · Post by **Stereo** » 31 May 2005, 14:27

I like this one:

Q: Why did the blonde try to steal a police car?
A: She saw "911" on the back and thought it was a porche.

^Speed 12^ · Post by **^Speed 12^** » 31 May 2005, 15:33

Yeah that one rocks!

Te4o_bg · Post by **Te4o_bg** » 31 May 2005, 20:49

A: What's the common between the spermatozoon and a blonde?
B: One out of a million becomes a human!
(blonde jokes- i know them a lot, though i domt like them)

MM86 · Post by **MM86** » 01 Jun 2005, 05:30

ok heres a bartender joke

A duck walks into a bar and asks the bartender for some quackers. The bartender explains that the bar doesn't have any quackers.
The next day, the same duck walks into the bar and asks the bartender for some quackers. The bartender again explains that the bar doesn't serve quackers.
Sure enough, the very next day, the duck again walks into the bar and asks for some quackers. The bartender screams at the duck, "If you come in here one more time, I'm going to nail your beak into the wall with a hammer and some nails!, "
A few days pass, and then the duck walks into the bar again.The bartender notices the duck and says, "I'm warning you!"
The duck replies, "Do you have a hammer?"
The bartender replies, "No!"
The duck asks, "Do you have any nails?"
The bartender replies, "No!"
The duck grins and asks, "Do you have any quackers?"

personally how can a duck talk?

boganbusman · Post by **boganbusman** » 01 Jun 2005, 08:50

You stole my joke.

And you made it worse

MM86 · Post by **MM86** » 01 Jun 2005, 23:30

actually bogan i found that one online, but if you want ill remove it an post another if you want to tell it your way. (probally way better than mine

)