Jokes Thread!
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The Gravedigger
- Professional
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- Joined: 10 Sep 2005, 12:35
- Location: Gold Coast, Australia
Well i know one joke! It is a bit against Bush but who cares!
So here is how it goes:
Bush was under media presure that he is stupid (no swearing so I easyed this expression:D:D:D)
So he went to doctor for brain analyis!
So after that results came out doctor read them. They went like this:
In your RIGHT part of brains there is nothing LEFT!
And in your LEFT part of brains there is nothing RIGHT!
Sry to all Americans that supports Bush, And chiirs to all Americans who agree on that joke!:D
So here is how it goes:
Bush was under media presure that he is stupid (no swearing so I easyed this expression:D:D:D)
So he went to doctor for brain analyis!
So after that results came out doctor read them. They went like this:
In your RIGHT part of brains there is nothing LEFT!
And in your LEFT part of brains there is nothing RIGHT!
Sry to all Americans that supports Bush, And chiirs to all Americans who agree on that joke!:D
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boganbusman
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boganbusman
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^Speed 12^
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- Location: UK
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James31278
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- Joined: 10 Apr 2005, 22:34
seeing as it is coming upto christmas...
Top Ten Things To Say About a Christmas Gift You Don't Like...
10. Hey! Now there's a gift!
9. Well, well, well...
8. Boy, if I had not recently shot up 4 sizes that would've fit.
7. This is perfect for wearing around the basement.
6. Gosh. I hope this never catches fire! It is fire season though. There are lots of unexplained fires.
5. If the dog buries it, I'll be furious!
4. I love it - but I fear the jealousy it will inspire.
3. Sadly, tomorrow I enter the Federal Witness Protection Program.
2. To think I got this the year I vowed to give all my gifts to charity.
1. I really don't deserve this.
Top Ten Things To Say About a Christmas Gift You Don't Like...
10. Hey! Now there's a gift!
9. Well, well, well...
8. Boy, if I had not recently shot up 4 sizes that would've fit.
7. This is perfect for wearing around the basement.
6. Gosh. I hope this never catches fire! It is fire season though. There are lots of unexplained fires.
5. If the dog buries it, I'll be furious!
4. I love it - but I fear the jealousy it will inspire.
3. Sadly, tomorrow I enter the Federal Witness Protection Program.
2. To think I got this the year I vowed to give all my gifts to charity.
1. I really don't deserve this.
^
OK...here is a blonde moment for you all >
A plane is on its way to Melbourne when a blonde in Economy Class gets
up and moves to the First Class section and sits down in a spare seat.
The flight attendant watches her do this and asks to see her ticket. On
producing her cheaper ticket, the hostess tells the blonde passenger
that she's only paid for Economy and that she will have to go and sit in
the back
The blonde replies: "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Melbourne
and I'm staying right here!"
The frustrated flight attendant goes into the cockpit and tells the
pilot and co-pilot that there is some blonde bimbo sitting in First
Class that belongs in Economy and won't move back to her seat. The
co-pilot goes back to the First Class cabin and tries to explain to the
blonde that because she only paid for Economy she is only entitled to an
Economy place and she will have to leave and return to her original
seat.
The blonde replies once again: "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to
Melbourne and I'm staying just where I am!"
Exasperated the co-pilot tells the pilot that it was no use and that he
probably should have the police waiting when they land to arrest this
blonde woman who won't listen to reason.
The pilot says: "You say she's blonde? I'll handle this, I'm married to
a blonde and over the years I've learnt to speak fluent blonde!" The
co-pilot is immediately dubious and at the same time curious.
The pilot goes back to the blonde, whispers something in her ear and she
replies: "Oh dear, I am sorry, I had no idea," gets up and moves back to
her seat in the rear of the aircraft. The flight attendant and co-pilot
of course are amazed and asked the pilot what he said to make her return
to her seat without any fuss.
The Pilot replies: "I told her First Class isn't going to Melbourne".
OK...here is a blonde moment for you all >
A plane is on its way to Melbourne when a blonde in Economy Class gets
up and moves to the First Class section and sits down in a spare seat.
The flight attendant watches her do this and asks to see her ticket. On
producing her cheaper ticket, the hostess tells the blonde passenger
that she's only paid for Economy and that she will have to go and sit in
the back
The blonde replies: "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Melbourne
and I'm staying right here!"
The frustrated flight attendant goes into the cockpit and tells the
pilot and co-pilot that there is some blonde bimbo sitting in First
Class that belongs in Economy and won't move back to her seat. The
co-pilot goes back to the First Class cabin and tries to explain to the
blonde that because she only paid for Economy she is only entitled to an
Economy place and she will have to leave and return to her original
seat.
The blonde replies once again: "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to
Melbourne and I'm staying just where I am!"
Exasperated the co-pilot tells the pilot that it was no use and that he
probably should have the police waiting when they land to arrest this
blonde woman who won't listen to reason.
The pilot says: "You say she's blonde? I'll handle this, I'm married to
a blonde and over the years I've learnt to speak fluent blonde!" The
co-pilot is immediately dubious and at the same time curious.
The pilot goes back to the blonde, whispers something in her ear and she
replies: "Oh dear, I am sorry, I had no idea," gets up and moves back to
her seat in the rear of the aircraft. The flight attendant and co-pilot
of course are amazed and asked the pilot what he said to make her return
to her seat without any fuss.
The Pilot replies: "I told her First Class isn't going to Melbourne".
if you are intending to take your driving test in the near future, test yourself on this one...
Questions…
Q.1. Do you yield when a blind pedestrian is crossing the road?
Q.2. Who has the right of way when four cars approach a four-way stop at the same time?
Q.3. what are the important safety tips to remember when backing your car?
Q.4. When driving through fog, what should you use?
Q.5. How can you reduce the possibility of having an accident?
Q.6. what problem would you face if arrested for drunk driving?
Q.7. how would it change your life if you had your license suspended or revoked?
Q.8. what is the most important thing to remember when passing or being passed?
Q.9. what is the difference between a flashing red traffic light and a flashing yellow traffic light?
Q.10. how do you deal with heavy traffic?
Answers…
A.1. What for? He can't get my license plate number!
A.2. The pickup truck with the gun rack and the bumper sticker saying: "Guns don't kill people. I do!
A.3. Always wear a condom.
A.4. Your Car.
A.5. Being too drunk to find your keys.
A.6. I'd lose my buzz.
A.7. I'd have to drive illegally.
A.8. If the driver is cute, make eye contact and wave "hello".
A.9. The colour.
A.10. Heavy psychedelics.
Questions…
Q.1. Do you yield when a blind pedestrian is crossing the road?
Q.2. Who has the right of way when four cars approach a four-way stop at the same time?
Q.3. what are the important safety tips to remember when backing your car?
Q.4. When driving through fog, what should you use?
Q.5. How can you reduce the possibility of having an accident?
Q.6. what problem would you face if arrested for drunk driving?
Q.7. how would it change your life if you had your license suspended or revoked?
Q.8. what is the most important thing to remember when passing or being passed?
Q.9. what is the difference between a flashing red traffic light and a flashing yellow traffic light?
Q.10. how do you deal with heavy traffic?
Answers…
A.1. What for? He can't get my license plate number!
A.2. The pickup truck with the gun rack and the bumper sticker saying: "Guns don't kill people. I do!
A.3. Always wear a condom.
A.4. Your Car.
A.5. Being too drunk to find your keys.
A.6. I'd lose my buzz.
A.7. I'd have to drive illegally.
A.8. If the driver is cute, make eye contact and wave "hello".
A.9. The colour.
A.10. Heavy psychedelics.
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boganbusman
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im blonde, but who cares? its funny!
Blonde paint job
A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do.
"Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"
The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"
The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch."
A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats. "Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. "And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."
Blonde paint job
A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do.
"Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"
The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"
The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch."
A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats. "Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. "And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."
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Andre_online
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